Shaman Hammer

Jackhammer has never been accused of being finicky.   If a buddy shows up at the campfire with a cooler full of Milwaukee's Best , then it's time to unleash The Beast.   To me, the quality of the company is far more important than the quality of the food or drink. That being said, Jackhammer also believes that everything has an ideal state... a pinnacle of perfection.   Vodka should be Russian, served neat.   Scotch should be single-malt, distilled in Scotland.   Tequila should be 100% blue agave, imported from Mexico.   Most importantly, moonshine should come from North Carolina.   In Jackhammer's neck of the woods, the moonshine industry has thrived for generations.   Everyone in my county agrees that the sheriff makes the best.   So did it make any sense at all that the only pathetic excuse for moonshine that could be legally purchased was some disgusting corn whisky from Georgia?   Give me a break! Friends, there is an island of s...

Friends, Jackhammer wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas ! I have the warmest wishes for everyone, despite the fact that the stores in my area began setting up their Christmas decorations on October 1 -- and I am ready for all this to be over. When I was young Christmas didn't start until after Thanksgiving... but then again, record levels of consumer spending in 2011 leads me to conclude that those merchants got what they wanted most by making the holiday shopping season three months long. Today's local newspaper got me thinking about this issue once again. The houses in my town have an annual contest to see which house can have the most lavish display of Christmas lights. Congratulations to the Sacca family, who took this year's first prize. Everyone agreed that their latest addition, a giant electric ice-skating snowman for the front lawn, is what put their house over the top. According to the article, the Sacca family estimates that their Christmas decorati...

Loyal Readers, Yes, Jackhammer is back! I know how happy you must be to finally see some new posts. However, as bad as I hate to do so, I must pause to chastise those of you who have been badgering me continuously to resume this blog. If you are one of my loyal followers who have been patiently waiting, you may disregard the remainder of this letter; it is directed at my legion of fans who have incessantly begged me to continue without reprieve (you know who you are). I understand that you are hungry for new knowledge, and that you depend on the wisdom in these posts to guide you through life. Still, you must remember that Jackhammer is a very busy man. and delivering high-quality classroom instruction is my top priority. Due to the hectic schedule of events requiring my personal appearance, I have had to forego posting my online lessons to some extent. I expect you to understand that my professional commitments must trump my desire to post additional blogs for you - no matt...

I am pleased to present the most anticipated blog in the annals of history: Apocalypse Socks. Yes, you are finally getting to read the sequel to my wildly popular blog Apocalypse Footwear. My fans who have bombarded me with requests for more information about how they should care for their feet after TEOTWAWKI are being rewarded! Most of you will likely be surprised at these recommendations. It is common knowledge that Jackhammer is a huge fan of "technical" fabrics. I own multiple items from Under Armor, Reebok, Magnum Research, Eotech, etc., and have found technical fabrics to be vastly superior to natural fabrics (such as cotton) in every way. High-tech fabrics are durable, moisture-wicking, quick-drying, comfortable, and wrinkle-free. I have adopted these undergarments with increasing enthusiasm, and seldom wear anything else when performing any strenuous physical activity. To cut to the chase, here is the advice you've been begging for: When it comes to s...

Ever since Cormac McCarthy’s novel “The Road” hit the big screen as a Hollywood movie, I’ve been besieged by fans seeking my analysis and commentary. As you know, the book is about a man and his son struggling to survive after a cataclysmic global event, commonly referred to by survivalists as “The Apocalypse,” or TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The World As We Know It). I promise that many TEOTWAWKI-related issues will eventually be addressed in a series of forthcoming blogs, but I thought it wise to begin with the most important issue of all: Apocalypse Footwear. As you noted in the movie, most people’s feet were covered by several layers of plastic grocery bags. Hmmm…. not cool. Not cool at all. Those of you preparing for TEOTWAWKI have already stockpiled cans of SPAM… hand tools… tactical bacon…. bottled water… dehydrated meals… but how much thought have you given to your feet? Are you sure you want to wonder the apocalyptic wasteland of a nuclear winter in your Sperry Topsiders? Are you sur...

The Christmas season is hard upon us. Actually, the greedy merchants in my area tried to kick off the Christmas shopping season in October (no kidding). Nevertheless, the nightly news is full of sales analyses, with noted economists talking about the financial boon shoppers are bringing to local businesses. Sales are always brisk between Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? Well, apparently some highly-specialized businesses don’t benefit from the traditional holiday shopping sprees, and they actually find their sales slipping during this time of year. I’m talking about companies that specialize in “cryonics,” which is the cryogenic freezing of humans in the hope of future restoration. For those with no religious convictions, for those who put all their faith in science, cryonics provides the best possibility of eternal life. One such Russian company, named KrioRus, has tried to remedy sagging revenues with a holiday sales promotion they’re calling the “Atheist Special.” You see, ...

Much has been made of the waterworks frequently unleashed by the man who will soon unseat Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House. I’ve been monitoring the liberal talk shows closely, watching them play an endless loop of video clips showing conservative males shedding tears, including Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, President Bush (both of them), and many others. The liberals are clearly trying to turn “The Crying Game” into a sexist issue with protests about an unwritten “double standard.” When a female politician like Hillary Clinton cries in public, they argue, it’s deemed a sign of weakness… yet when men cry their political reputations somehow remain unscathed. This has all the makings of an interesting debate, but I feel there is a more important issue here. Why do conservative men cry so much? I guess I’m attracted to this topic because I cry a lot. I am unable to talk about highly emotional issues without choking back tears… my children… my wife… my father’s death… the unimaginabl...