Shaman Hammer

Ever since Cormac McCarthy’s novel “The Road” hit the big screen as a Hollywood movie, I’ve been besieged by fans seeking my analysis and commentary. As you know, the book is about a man and his son struggling to survive after a cataclysmic global event, commonly referred to by survivalists as “The Apocalypse,” or TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The World As We Know It). I promise that many TEOTWAWKI-related issues will eventually be addressed in a series of forthcoming blogs, but I thought it wise to begin with the most important issue of all: Apocalypse Footwear. As you noted in the movie, most people’s feet were covered by several layers of plastic grocery bags. Hmmm…. not cool. Not cool at all. Those of you preparing for TEOTWAWKI have already stockpiled cans of SPAM… hand tools… tactical bacon…. bottled water… dehydrated meals… but how much thought have you given to your feet? Are you sure you want to wonder the apocalyptic wasteland of a nuclear winter in your Sperry Topsiders? Are you sur...

The Christmas season is hard upon us. Actually, the greedy merchants in my area tried to kick off the Christmas shopping season in October (no kidding). Nevertheless, the nightly news is full of sales analyses, with noted economists talking about the financial boon shoppers are bringing to local businesses. Sales are always brisk between Thanksgiving and Christmas, right? Well, apparently some highly-specialized businesses don’t benefit from the traditional holiday shopping sprees, and they actually find their sales slipping during this time of year. I’m talking about companies that specialize in “cryonics,” which is the cryogenic freezing of humans in the hope of future restoration. For those with no religious convictions, for those who put all their faith in science, cryonics provides the best possibility of eternal life. One such Russian company, named KrioRus, has tried to remedy sagging revenues with a holiday sales promotion they’re calling the “Atheist Special.” You see, ...

Much has been made of the waterworks frequently unleashed by the man who will soon unseat Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House. I’ve been monitoring the liberal talk shows closely, watching them play an endless loop of video clips showing conservative males shedding tears, including Glen Beck, Rush Limbaugh, President Bush (both of them), and many others. The liberals are clearly trying to turn “The Crying Game” into a sexist issue with protests about an unwritten “double standard.” When a female politician like Hillary Clinton cries in public, they argue, it’s deemed a sign of weakness… yet when men cry their political reputations somehow remain unscathed. This has all the makings of an interesting debate, but I feel there is a more important issue here. Why do conservative men cry so much? I guess I’m attracted to this topic because I cry a lot. I am unable to talk about highly emotional issues without choking back tears… my children… my wife… my father’s death… the unimaginabl...