Shaman Hammer

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Tea Party favorite Carl Paladino has encountered a few setbacks on his quest to become the next governor of New York State. Assuredly, 99% of all Americans have already concluded that this guy is nothing but a total asshole. However, I submit that this gentleman has been misunderstood. Carl Paladino is the perennial “missing link” between liberals and conservatives – making him an extremely valuable asset to our nation. We have finally found a man who can bridge the widening gap between democrats and republicans and move this country forward. It is apparent to me that Paladino straddles the political arena like a Colossus… he has a foot firmly planted in each camp. Consider that Paladino has denounced homosexuality as an “abomination before God,” and condemned the private acts of gays as “sexually deviant.” He blasted his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, for taking his daughter to see a Gay Pride parade. Apparently Paladino thinks the sight of gay men gyrating against ...

I am posting this blog with a sense of urgency, because I have already waited far too long to address this topic and convey this essential information to my readership. Knowing the most efficient way to dispatch a zombie will soon be of paramount importance. We’ve all seen movies where desperate citizens fire countless bullets into the chests of advancing zombies. They hammer away at “center mass” without effect, emptying their magazines, while the zombies continue to advance relentlessly. If you are one of the movie’s audience members who insists on shouting “shoot it in the head,” then shame on you. You are only watching a movie and the actors cannot hear you. However, if you are educated enough to know that zombies must be shot in the head then you are, at least, on the right track. Zombies will only be neutralized if their brain matter suffers significant trauma after reanimation. But here is where you must learn that precision is important, especially if you are facing large numbe...